


Leaving a world behind

by vcdbtch



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Hurt Derek Morgan, M/M, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-20
Updated: 2020-06-20
Packaged: 2021-03-03 21:13:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24822163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vcdbtch/pseuds/vcdbtch
Summary: Three Months after Spencer's death, Derek finally decided to clean out his apartment where he finds a letter addressed to him.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 5
Kudos: 101





	Leaving a world behind

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING:
> 
> Please, if you feel like you can't handle reading about this topic, please read something happier. You're safety means more to me than views.

3 Months, 91 Days, 2190 Hours, 131400 Minutes since Spencer Reid tragically passed away. 3 Months since Derek has kissed those full rosy lips, since he has run his hand through his shaggy hair. Since he has woken up a few minutes before his love and propped himself up on his elbow to take in his soft features before he gently ghosted his fingers over those features until he stirred. 3 Months since he has felt the pressure of his back against his chest as they lie on the couch, watching Doctor Who after a tiring case.  
-

Derek took a deep breath as he stood outside the familiar apartment door, taking the time to look over all of the scuff marks on the wood and the faint water stains from when the building flooded a few years ago. He clenched his hand in his pocket before he forced himself to reach out and put his hand on the doorknob. For a brief moment, he closed his eyes and let himself be distracted by the feeling of the cool metal under his hand and remember all the times he had clenched his hands around that very handle before. He tightened his grip on the handle and twisted the door open, shivering at the sudden cool air that brushed past him. 

His breath hitched in his throat as he took in the state of the apartment. Spencer's books were perfectly aligned on the various bookshelves throughout the living room, though they were now coated with a thick layer of dust. His shoes were still sitting beside the doorway along with his satchel. The coasters they had used the day before still on the coffee table next to the TV remote. Everything Spencer owned was set out exactly as it was when he died, not a thing was out of place. 

Derek stepped inside and gently closed the door behind him as his eyes continued to dart around the apartment he had been in so many times before, yet it seemed unfamiliar. He swallowed thickly and made his way to the hallway closet where he pulled out a box and began packing his possessions. First, he started with small things like his ornaments, action figures, things that Spencer had collected over the years. Then, he moved onto the bedroom and began packing his clothing and shoes. Packing his clothes took longer than it needed to because Derek couldn't stop bunching up his shirts and bringing it up to his nose, inhaling the soft scent that could only be described as Spencer. 

After he packed up his boyfriend's possessions, he started to take down the furniture. First he started with his bedroom, removing the mattress and taking down the bed frame before he moved on to the beside table and the dresser. Then he moved to the living room and took down the kitchen table and chairs, then he moved onto the TV unit and some of the smaller bookshelves. 

Almost 4 hours had passed and Derek almost had everything taken down, the only thing's that remained were the couch and the bigger bookshelves. He sighed as he picked up yet another box and walked over to the bookshelves before he started carefully placing the books into the box. He allowed his lips to tug into a slight smile as he thought about what Spencer would do if he found out someone had mistreated his books, that was something he had hoped to never experience. Clearing the last few bookshelves took longer than he expected, he hadn't realised how many books the kid had actually owned. After what seemed like another hour, he finally got down to the last book which would be lucky if it fit in the box. He reached out for it and froze when an envelope slipped from the cover and onto the floor, landing at his feet.

Derek furrowed his eyebrows and picked up the letter, setting the book on the top of the pile as he looked at the envelope. The word "Derek" was carefully written on the front in the gentle cursive that was enough to bring tears to his eyes. He bit his lip as he looked from the letter to the couch which was wrapped in protective plastic after it was dry cleaned. He hesitated before he sat down on the couch, taking a second to run his fingers over the cool plastic before he opened the envelope and pulled out what appeared to be a letter inside. With shaky hands, he unfolded the perfectly folded letter and let his eyes skim over the calm writing before he took a deep breath and actually began to read.

Derek,

I wrote this on the 6th of March 2020, two days before my death. I’m not sure when you’re reading this, maybe a few days after or a few months even. You know it’s funny, only 25-30 Percent of people who commit Suicide leave notes for their loved ones, yet I never imagined I would be one of those. I have many, many things to say to you Derek and I don’t have the strength to write a full explanation so I will be brief about it.

It all started after the Tobias Hankel case, he drugged me with Dilaudid which almost killed me. By the time I was rescued, my brain had already started to become dependant on the drug and I was without a doubt, addicted. I managed to sneak away when you had your back turned and I stole the remaining 8 vials from Tobias so I could take them home and continue to use. Luckily for me, I didn’t have a chance because you and the rest of the team helped me fight my addiction, you put up with me through the withdrawles and cravings until I was no longer using. What you didn’t know though, is that I never got rid of the remaining 8 vials of the drug nor the syringes. I tried to, I really did, there was this persistent little voice in the back of my mind that kept screaming at me to keep them so I did.

Then, we got together and I was so genuinely happy for once, yet something still wasn’t right. I would constantly have doubts about our relationship, mainly about how I can commit. Derek, I’ve never been a confident person, I’ve never had the looks or the boy like most guys my age did so watching pretty girls practically drool all over you at bars and completely block out my presence made me wonder why you would want to be with me in the first place. Don’t get me wrong, I have no doubts that you loved me, but I could never fathom why.

It took some time, but I finally got over my doubts and I could see that you really did love me, and it made my heart swell. A few months after we got together I got the call that my Mother had passed away in the middle of the night and it broke me. You held me for hours while I cried, not caring about my nails digging into your arms or the wet patch on your shirt from my tears. You rubbed my back and whispered re assurances into my ear, you took time off work to look after me when I was too exhausted to do It myself. It took some time, but you made it better and I was able to move on.

Recently, I told the team I was out of town for a friend’s funeral but I was actually at the Doctors. I was called in that morning saying they had bad news and that I should come as soon as I could. My heart was pounding in my chest as I sat in the waiting room, wracking my brain with all the possibilities that came to me. I convinced myself I had every disease you could think of, I even briefly wondered if I had a tumour. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to be told though. The Doctor sat me down and explained to me that I had inherited Schizophrenia from my Mother and that I would most likely start to become progressively sick over the next few years. I think that was the breaking point for me, the thing that pushed me over the edge. I managed to hold the tears in until I got home, I was just glad you were still at work so you didn’t have to see me struggling to breathe.

I sat down on the couch and put my head in my hands as I thought about my past with my Mother, how the disease had caused her to forget her loved ones and evidently loose her mind. I knew, without a doubt that would happen to me and the very thought of forgetting who my Friends were, who you were, made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t breathe, my throat was closing in and it felt like my heart was going to breath through my ribs. 

I assume you will be the one to find me, and for that I am sincerely sorry, but I just can’t do it anymore. I am tired of the sleepless nights, I’m tired of not having an appetite, I’m tired of constantly feeling like my chest is tight and my throat is closing in, I’m tired of being trapped in my own head. I understand you will be angry with me , you’ll probably punch something or yell at someone. However, please do not blame yourself, this is in no way your fault. I know you will probably question why I didn’t feel like I could come to you, but this is something that can’t be fixed. 

I love you more than you’ll ever know, Derek Morgan. I’ve been in love with you since you saved my life the first time, you put your life on the line for someone who definitely didn’t deserve it and I will always be grateful. Thank you for putting up with me, for helping me through the hard times, for making me laugh like I had never laughed before. You brought out a different side of me, I became more confident and outspoken and I was less concerned about what people thought of me. 

I guess this is goodbye, please promise me you will move on and find someone who makes you happy, that’s all I ask.

I love you

Spencer.

\--  
Tears flowed down his cheeks as his eyes darted over the neat cursive writing which were the last thing Spencer ever wrote. Derek felt like he couldn’t breathe, his throat was closing up and his chest felt tight. This must be what Spencer had felt- he things as he clutches his chest in a desperate attempt to stop the pain.  
He couldn’t believe Spencer had written the letter two whole days before he had ended his life, and no one had noticed. The team could see the change in his behaviour the last few Months but no one could have thought it would resort to this. He had seemed a lot less driven lately, he was very unfocused and spaced out a lot. Hotch had expressed his concerns to the rest of the team who had said they noticed he seemed more exhausted the past few weeks and they all vowed to watch over him, yet it wasn’t enough. 

The image of Spencer slumped against the couch with a needle sticking in his arms and multiple empty vials lying around him flashed in Derek’s mind and he let out a quiet sob. He called the ambulance immediately and held his head in between his hands, shouting at him to keep his eyes open and talk to him until help arrived but it was too late, he was already gone. 

Now, the team had lost a highly valued member of the team, though Spencer Reid wasn’t just a member of the team, he was a friend. He was someone who always had a smile on his face, someone who always made the room brighter with his presence. Who was always there for his friends, even if he was uncomfortable with emotions and being intimate. One thing’s for sure, the BAU will never be the same without Doctor Spencer Reid.


End file.
